Favourite lines

Who wants to be consistent? The dullard and the doctrinaire, the tedious people who carry out their principles to the bitter end of action, to the reductio ad absurdum of practice. Not I. Like Emerson, I write over the door of my library the word “Whim.”

 

 

Zeitgeist is a very suspicious thing

The more I read stuff and observe stuff, the more I feel that zeitgeist is a lie, an over-simplification like gender. Something we cling to for its clarity as it makes the world appear logical and coherent, but which is really narrow-minded and limiting. Half the population sometimes does not live accordingly. I think that’s significant.

Anti-consumerist ramblings

I can’t say I identify as an anti-consumerist at this point, but I’ve had such leanings for several years and I see them growing stronger. Sometimes it is a little bit frightening. I don’t actually want to become the spoilsport activist who goes around loudly disapproving of things that other people enjoy or are not educated enough not to enjoy. If I were to go down that route, I’d like it to be my personal thing, like religion is personal to a lot of people, except the fundamentalists and those that desire to convert everyone.

Its roots are probably in my slightly animistic thinking, love of nature and general sentimentality. I like items to be special, have a story to tell. People who mindlessly consume do seem to lose the ability to enjoy simple things. They would  need even greater luxury or greater quantities to feel an item is special. I kind of want to preserve my joy over simple things, so I wouldn’t want to numb my senses with overconsumption to mindless levels.

This modern trend of very expensive weddings and engagement rings, for example, is completely incomprehensible to me. I’m not going to criticise it either because I just don’t understand it. It clearly matters to many people to have things in their wedding that cost a lot but why it matters so much is a bit of….I wouldn’t want to draw the obvious conclusion. There are very few people like me who’d be okay with a 1 euro ring too if it had personal significance. I said I was a sentimentalist, I did.

So I’d like to think that my consumption levels are not very high compared to the averages of today. They are not admirably low either, though. I like pretty things a lot and pretty clothes, so my closet is not minimalist and is never going to be. However, I do find it very satisfying when whatever items I’ve bought get a good amount of use. I feel good throwing away shoes that have become unuseable because the signs of wear are really bad. I do not feel good throwing away perfectly good quality items, though. Those I take to recycling or second hand store collection points. Sometimes I turn some items into sewing projects too. And generally tend to try to find alternative uses for things if I can think of them.

I would not mind living in a world where clothes were so expensive that you could only afford a few, like it was the case in the 19th century.

I am spoilt and like having a lot of choice at this point, but I could live like this too if I made up my mind to it and set it as a goal, and I admire people who do already, unless they are annoying fundamentalists who think everyone who cannot live like them is a worthless human being.

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I’m truly frustrated with the amount of fake materials used in nearly every industry. I would really love to buy high-quality ethically-made natural-material based products. I think very many people would love to. For some the cost may be a stumbling block, but an even greater stumbling block is the lack of such products and how hard it is to find them on the market. If one goes down that route, it becomes your entire life to seek out such products. And that is a point for pause and reflection on one’s priorities.

Basically, to buy high quality, you need to become very, very informed. With clothing it is a little bit easier because there aren’t too many things to look for – just avoid fake materials, like polyester, and seek for brands that manufacture their clothing sustainably, do not use toxic chemicals and so forth. However, the massive problem with such brands for me is that I simply do not like their designs. I’ve looked sometimes, but have not found anything that I would want to buy. Not to mention that brands like that are not available in department stores and if you live in a small country, like me, you would need to order such clothes abroad.

If these brands made more stylish/interesting/feminine/cute clothing and would become more widely available, I’d be a sure customer, but as is the case now, I shop in the same stores everyone else does and hope for the best. What I would never buy are H&M jeans though. The smell of those things is vile. If an item fails even the smell test, then it is very bad indeed. Samsung fridges also smell vile and some washing machines and kettles. I actually bought my current fridge because it was one of the few that didn’t stink to high heaven.

Is this a normal situation?! Couldn’t we just double the prices of everything, give up the attitude that everyone needs 50 items of clothing and all modern tech, AND actually go back to offering high quality again, so shopping isn’t about picking the least offensive item.

I’m moving from the easier to the more complex in terms of how informed you need to be – next step is food. Awareness of chemicals and unnecessary additives is increasing, but it is definitely tiresome that a person has to turn shopping into a battle of intelligence against producers that try to sell you crap. Anyhow, at this point, I’ve not managed to learn everything yet. Some years ago, I didn’t know that palm oil was bad, for example. It looks natural enough on a label compared to E620. There are plenty of things I don’t know now either. And even if I know what is good quality, how am I supposed to access it when no store stocks French fries without palm oil? (Not buying them is not an option all the time because I cannot cook everything from scratch, and yes, I’ve tried many times, I’m just horrible at cooking vegetables). Also, how can I be sure when buying from a local farmer (who is not a personal acquaintance) that they haven’t soaked their fruit and vegetables in chemicals either? If I want to avoid plastic, how can I be sure that in transporting fruit and vegetables to a packaging-free store, massive amounts of plastic have not been used which only got removed in the store? All in all, I have kind of given up trying because clean food is very hard to access, choice is very limited and there is rarely certainty. It only seems possible to eat clean, high-quality food if you grow it yourself. Until I can do that, I just choose the less bad alternatives from whatever is available.

My pathetic attempt to grow things myself on the balcony

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Cosmetics industry requires an education in chemistry to manage to make informed choices. Organic labels help, but are not always sufficient indicators of quality. There is a lot of greenwashing going on, with brands advertising themselves as pure and natural, but having SLS as the second ingredient. If you learn that silicones (things ending with -cone, like dimethicone), parabens and sulphates (particularly sodium laureth sulphate) are bad, you’ve passed grade 1 in orienteering in cosmetics, but it is only the beginning.

It is very much a matter of priorities and convenience too. A lot of the products marketed to us are not really necessary, why would a person need separate moisturisers for their feet and hands, for example? And everyone knows how cellulite got turned into a cosmetic problem so that people could be marketed anti-cellulite treatments. It is actually possible to get all your cosmetics from nature, from the fridge, but since we’ve grown up with getting them out of plastic bottles, it is very hard to rethink it and these things may not work for everyone.

Once again, I’m not there at all myself either. I don’t buy supermarket stuff, I generally buy organic, but that’s as far as I’ve currently gone. My hair is very difficult, so after years of trying with absolutely everything, from medical and organic shampoos to egg and yoghurt, I’m currently using a shampoo with SLS as the second ingredient. It’s a medical shampoo and there isn’t any alternative to it for me, as much as I’d rather like to use something a lot milder.

I think this is the case for very many people in their attempts to turn more ‘natural’, to prioritize quality and sustainability. First, it is so very hard to get that informed to even know what is good. Secondly, when you do know a bit, finding products that meet all your preferred criteria, without causing a massive drop in quality of life, is like finding the holy grail. The compromises one has to make are too great for very many people. I honestly don’t know what I’d end up eating at all if I tried to go one month fully organic/plastic-free. I could probably manage to improve considerably in the clothes & household items & cosmetics department, but not food.

The thing I can see myself improving in is actual attitude to consumption, which is what I began this long essay with. I have become increasingly more disinclined to buy stuff I do not absolutely need and frequently try to think of creative alternatives. Because what we think we “need” is often social pressure and skilful marketing. Spotting that and realizing you don’t actually need it can be like a fun game. But giving up frozen fries and all sweets containing palm oil is just too hard for lack of alternatives and would make life a misery for me. Perhaps there will come a time when it will not feel so, who knows.

When I hear consumerist people talking about my kind of life choices, they often use the same argument – that such a life would be misery if you could not have all that stuff and comfort of modernity. I do not view myself as lacking though. I truly don’t care and feel pleased with myself for having a mind of my own about what I “need”.

With “things” I do see potential for social change. It is probably utopian but I think an attitude change could work: if the cheapest dress cost 300 EUR in Western countries, people would pick it carefully and treasure it more, instead of buying a pile of 10-euro dresses. Same goes for every other item. There would be less need to produce that much because people can only afford few. There would be less waste and everything would be better quality because that would be prioritized again. Perhaps with the environmental crisis we are facing, such measures could be introduced: i.e. very strict quality requirements that would drive up prices. But with overpopulation, the food problem cannot really be solved in any way. Food has to be cheap so people can afford it and it is not possible to produce quality food on such scale, as sad as that may be. Making locally sourced food more easily available in supermarkets is possible, though. It’s depressing how they keep selling foreign mass-produced apples when we are having an apple season and there is an excess of them in all gardens….

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Lord of the Rings

I don’t think I’ve read Lord of the Rings as an adult. Nineteen does not count. So it was interesting to re-read it and see what I’d spot for myself this time around.

Aragorn

I was a little bit disappointed in Aragorn, who used to be my great favourite as a teenager. Teenagers think more simplistically, but to my current self, Aragorn was just too full of himself to make him entirely likeable. He is clearly modelled on the great epic heroes of the past, but to a modern reader, these great epic heroes seem implausible, self-important, narcissistic, sometimes morally dubious (not the case with Aragorn, but look at the heroes of some myths and legends). Aragorn had self-doubt, determination, strength and he was a good person, but he was also self-important. That scene at Theoden’s palace where he refused to put down his sword was very unflattering. As a guest, you obey the rules of the host, not go into a tantrum and talk about what a special sword you got and how you are not leaving it behind the door like people with inferior swords have to. There were other instances where he used his status unflatteringly in the “Do you know who I am?!” style. Yes, that is the epic hero style, but I couldn’t fully admire him because of this.

Faramir

Instead, I ended up admiring Faramir. If I had to choose an ideal king, I’d choose him. He had the strength and wisdom of Aragorn, but also he was humble and gentler. Many might mistake this gentleness for weakness, as had done his father Denethor, but I’m not that sort of a person. Gentle + strong is like my absolute ideal of (male) humanity.

Denethor

Denethor I either disliked or did not think much of upon first reading, but now I found myself feeling a lot of sympathy for his tragedy.

Gandalf

I felt rather ambivalent about him and sometimes found myself agreeing with Denethor or Saruman in their assessment of Gandalf’s activities. He seemed to be able to know or quite strongly guess how things would turn out.  So then, why would he send Frodo to Mordor, knowing full well it would destroy him so he could never live in the Shire again? There just was something disturbing in how he used others as his pawns. Yes, it was done with good intentions to save Middle Earth for future generations, but he also orchestrated who and what gets destroyed in the process….If he had not guessed the outcomes and the bad stuff just happened, while he tried his best, it would be different. But to knowingly sacrifice? If Tolkien had described Gandalf’s self-doubt and disinclination to do it, he’d be fully redeemed in my eyes. Because sometimes all you got is rotten choices and then you just choose the greater good and try to cause minimal harm to your pawns, but there was none or little of that in the books. He did end up destroying his own power in the process as well, but I think Gandalf was not really of Middle Earth anyway, so him leaving it felt a lot more natural than Frodo leaving it.

Ents

I really liked ents. I liked them just as much as the first time around and those chapters were among my favourites.

Hobbits

Frodo I came to understand in a more nuanced way. He’s an INFP like me.

Monsters

I also very much enjoyed orcs and uruks bickering with each other. They function like comic relief in Shakespeare’s tragedies. Loved those chapters.

Comedy gold

I was told not to post this because it would be another instance of me being too hard on myself. I rejected that assessment because while I may engage in self-deprecation, it is frequently tongue-in-cheek. I am aware that other people may not spot it and will interpret it as me being too hard on myself, but it is not quite so. I just have a weird sense of humour and like being able to laugh at myself sometimes. And at life and other people and the tragicomedy of things. But gently really. With affection. Not harshness.

The other day I thought my blog, and my writing here, is like British comedy meets lyrical Romanticism. Both have had an impact on my style and I frequently paraphrase my favourite comedies.

Anyhow, not the topic here. Topic is how dense I am about guys liking me and the mind-boggling explanations my brain is capable of conceiving instead of the obvious.

Today, this happened: I had been travelling with buses all day, looking pretty bad, fringe had grown too long and needed a hairdresser as well. I was sitting on a bench, glued to my tablet screen, reading an article about psychopharmacology. Then some guy walks up to me and after sorting out what language we should communicate in and whether I am local, says he’d like to invite me some place. I then tell him I can’t, I’m going away this evening.

Quite the run-of-the-mill exchange, right? But it took me two hours to realise he was probably* asking me out. While he was doing the talking, I assumed he was one of the advertising people who go around asking people to come to some event they organise, but he had just forgotten his leaflets/flyers behind.

How the hell does my brain think of these things?!

Another one:

First day of my psychology course. Lecture room. I sit and read a book. Many other people use tablets or phones. Some guy sits next to me and asks why am I not using Facebook. I am confused, thinking he has somehow found out I have not added myself to our course’s FB group, so I ask him “How do you know I’m not using it?” It seemed an odd thing to know. He points to other people around us. I still fail to get it that he is referring to the immediate situation around us. I reply with something inappropriate again. The rest of the conversation went alright, so it kind of erased that terrible beginning. But yes, he was talking of the people around us being on FB and me preferring to read. Not some FB group I did not join. He did not even know my name, how could he know this?! Obviously my brain did something weird here again.

I console myself with the information I read somewhere that the more intelligent a person, the more complex their brain circuits, so needlessly complex answers to simple questions can happen as a side-effect. This too I’m not in absolute earnest about. Now comes the part I actually think: I think a large part of it is that in both situations I was also focused on something else and totally in my own bubble, so coming out of that is like waking from sleep. You are not the full ticket.

*I’m actually still not 100% sure what was that about. Probably a bet or a dare of some kind because it is highly unusual.

Blogging + lying vol. 2

There we go. Got rid of some posts I no longer liked polluting this space.

I’ve enjoyed gradually developing my own style of keeping a blog. When I started out,  the way I approached a blog as a medium was as something much more pre-defined. When a text goes up in a blog, that’s it. The end. You may correct a spelling mistake, but what’s up, stays up, in the way it went up. I’ve moved away from this to a more fluid approach. A kind of mind diary, with chapters I can sometimes re-read and decide that a) I’ve used that exact phrase twice! How embarrassing. Delete one. b) That post is badly written/too personal/too stupid/total drivel. Delete entire post. c) That photo is no good. Delete. Replace. d) Hmm. This needs a post script. Write it. e) This needs a paragraph added. Write it. f) That sentence is badly written/too personal/too stupid. Delete. g) This post in the trash folder is quite good after all. Publish again.

I do that a lot, really. A kind of delayed perfectionism. At first anything goes up and I’m not very critical but later I like to polish things. It’s a great tactic for any kind of writing, by the way. Highly recommended for perfectionists who want that first paragraph perfect and spend enormous amounts of time getting nowhere. Do your polishing later.

And of course the content has developed over the years too, and has become ……more authentic? If I want to write a one-line post, I do that. If I want to write a longer one, I do that.

Lying Vol. 2

I wrote about being one of the liars of the world, the fantasist, the dramatist, the exaggerator. The thing with this is that it is other people that think I’m exaggerating or being blind to the truth. I don’t think that. I believe in it all at the moment of telling/experiencing it. Sometimes with every nerve cell, sometimes with half.  That’s my authentic self. I can turn on my highly analytical mindset and then I do see that, well, maybe things aren’t quite like that. But at the moment of experiencing or telling it, I’m perfectly frank.

Actual lying, and that thing that gets classified under politeness but is closer to manipulation, is very hard for me. It seems to require a lot of social energy, which I don’t have oodles of to begin with. I knew a guy once who was always telling me what rubbish colleagues he has. One day he showed me a reference letter he had written for one of them upon being asked. It was the most glowingly positive reference letter. I was confused. How can one manage that while disliking the person?! That is the sort of lying I have no aptitude for. I would have at best written a coldly positive letter – no glow, no superlatives, no style (because no inspiration), but positive enough in a formal sort of way.

The best I manage in situations of that kind is being civil. If I think someone’s new hairdo is unflattering and they ask me for an opinion, I will say, “It’s nice, glad you like it”. I won’t say “Oh my god, you look so beautiful with this. Wow!”. That’s terrible. I don’t know what would have to happen for me to manage to fake a reaction like that. I’d need to prepare for this like Elizabeth rehearses her surprised reaction for Hyacinth’s table decor in Keeping up Appearances. And I’d feel sick at myself for having to resort to this.

I do struggle with this sort of social lying if it goes beyond what is necessary to avoid hurting someone. At the receiving end of it, I’m quite gullible also. Since I usually don’t express things I don’t mean at the time of expressing them, I don’t assume it of others either.

I thought this was an important addition to the lying subject.

 

Lying

After a year (or years?) of living in my post-disillusionment world, I think I’m one of life’s liars after all and feel a growing desire to return to my kin and its ways of seeing.

Oscar Wilde has written of that type of liars in his The Decay of Lying.

Some random excerpts:

One of the chief causes that can be assigned for the curiously commonplace character of most of the literature of our age is undoubtedly the decay of Lying as an art, a science, and a social pleasure. The ancient historians gave us delightful fiction in the form of fact; the modern novelist presents us with dull facts under the guise of fiction /————-/

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Many a young man starts in life with a natural gift for exaggeration which, if nurtured in congenial and sympathetic surroundings, or by the imitation of the best models, might grow into something really great and wonderful. But, as a rule, he comes to nothing. He either falls into careless habits of accuracy /—–/ or takes to frequenting the society of the aged and the well-informed. Both things are equally fatal to his imagination, as indeed they would be fatal to the imagination of anybody, and in a short time he develops a morbid and unhealthy faculty of truth-telling, begins to verify all statements made in his presence, has no hesitation in contradicting people who are much younger than himself, and often ends by writing novels which are so lifelike that no one can possibly believe in their probability.

(Happy Oscar, little did he know what was to follow and how much more mundane literature’s subjects could get!)

I think understanding the truth about the way society works has completed me, made me more well-rounded, which is likely to benefit me in all sorts of ways, but I do not enjoy living in that kind of world.  Now, it has also run its course and I want to shift focus.

As Oscar said somewhere else, lying and poetry are essentially connected. Yes, I mean that sort of liars, not the types who lie on their CVs and other similar self-serving behaviour: I mean the fantasists, the dreamers and believers in things that are not strictly true or rarely true but can become true when you believe hard enough. That sounds so unicorns and glitter. But well, I feel a longing for the unicorns and glitter people as well. They make my heart happy.

And generally, I think the dreamer side of me has become a little neglected lately and I want to nourish it a bit more again. Become less world-aware.

 

 

Procrastination

Recently, there have been these theories going around about procrastination being linked to perfectionism and self-esteem. Allegedly, people who procrastinate are the types that tend to set too high standards for themselves so they are not even motivated to begin because the likelihood of falling short of perfect is high. And it’s generally demotivating to contemplate doing things under such pressure to perform perfectly. It is also linked to one’s sense of self-worth. Procrastinators, like defensive pessimists, use procrastination as a coping strategy to deal with failure. The defensive pessimist will imagine everything that can go wrong. When it doesn’t, they feel a sense of accomplishment. When it does, well, they expected this anyway. For procrastinators, the focus is slightly different, it’s on maintaining a positive sense of self-esteem. So, when putting off studying for an exam until the last minute, and then failing, the procrastinator failed not because of their lack of ability, but because they did not prepare properly. The latter is a lot easier to accept, no ego bruise will follow. You got the ability, you were just lazy. If, however, the exam turns out a success, more reason to be proud of oneself for making it even under such circumstances. Such ideas are summarized here, for example: Warning: extremely clickbait title.

So yes, these ideas seem to dominate the popular science psychology articles. I don’t know if they are equally dominant in the less popularly accessible segment of psychology. I hope they are not, because reading these explanations for procrastination was very eye-brow-raising for me.

First: don’t these people with such hypotheses consider putting off doing the dishes as a form of procrastination? If they do – and I would – then how can one possibly fit perfectionism and self-esteem into it? Perhaps an obsessive-compulsive person with a cleanliness fetish might be daunted by the thought of not getting the dishes absolutely spotless, but surely this is not the case for the average procrastinator. Maybe I miss something. These articles always talk of deadlines, essays, work-related procrastination etc., but what of cleaning the bathroom, weeding the flower beds, mowing the grass and other such activities. I would be very interested to know how does one fit “putting off going to the supermarket for milk” style of procrastination into the self-esteem and perfectionism explanation.

I do think I am missing some vital piece of information when reading such articles, because researchers cannot be so blind to ignore these forms of procrastination also happening.

Yes, I think perfectionism can be demotivating and make it hard to begin on something. But I don’t think it’s the universal key to unlock the mysteries of procrastination.

Some alternative hypotheses:

  1. Evolutionary psychology may not be my favourite branch as it is often too reductionist and dismissive of potential for change, but sometimes it can work for explaining things better than many other theories. It’s certainly very intuitive. So I’d intuitively hypothesise that evolutionally, human beings have not been accustomed to much consistent, regulated effort and the time management required of us now is very new to our brains. Rather, in humanity’s long infant stage, we did things in short intensive bursts, followed by periods of rest/doing nothing much. Most procrastinators are similar, are they not? They can get it done, they can work hard when required, but most of the time they spend in some sort of energy conservation mode. Such as: you go hunt that mammoth, then you eat it and stay put and don’t do a great deal. Maybe you pick your teeth with the bones. Even the division of the day into work and leisure time is a relatively new invention in the context of how long the human race has been around. So the short energy burst theory is one hypothesis.
  2. Second: similar difference as between extroverts and introverts when it comes to social energy. Procrastinators have less motivational energy, they prefer to conserve the little they do have and do things that are easy and undemanding most of the time and only to activate their motivational energy when it is unavoidable. I wonder if there is a concept of motivational energy in existence? I hope there is. That could also explain why people are super motivated on the first few days and lose it along the way. It just runs out. Most of us are not blessed with a lot of it so consistency in attaining one’s goals is hard for us.
  3. The negative impact of the must. Most people don’t like doing things they have to do. If phrased like that, this is demotivating. It seems almost hard-wired into a lot of people that whatever is a must is an unpleasant duty, even if it wouldn’t be in essence (like going for a run or gym). I’m definitely like this, perhaps to the extreme: make something a thing I MUST do instead of CAN do and I feel its oppressive weight descend on me and kill off all motivation.
  4. Points 2 and 3 stem from this evolutionary tendency and help to explain variation. Not everyone is a procrastinator, so the evolutionary theory cannot explain why some are classified as procrastinators and others not. Unless. One adds the component of other personality traits that can either neutralize (very high discipline and motivational energy, very high ability to accept authority) the general human tendency to do things in short intense efforts or cancel it out from manifesting.

It’s all rather vague and hardly more than a mind game, but it makes more intuitive sense to me than the perfectionism and self-esteem theories that strangely ignore aspects of procrastination where it is hard to imagine those forces being at play. I hope someone comes up with a more plausible theory.

Also, perhaps this perfectionism theory at least is yet another ‘saving of face’ strategy of the procrastinators themselves – being a perfectionist makes for a good, comfortable excuse. One can be proud of being a perfectionist. But admitting you procrastinate because you lack discipline and motivational energy is not so nice. I certainly procrastinate for those reasons.

On a personal note, I intend to carry out an experiment in mid-September and live without the internet. Since I do my work with the internet, I will get internet access during work hours, sufficient to read e-mails and do the truly necessary things, but no internet outside of work at home.

I want to see how that impacts my procrastination and whether I spend time better. I want to get something written, something that I see as my BA thesis in creative writing. But I put it off and off and off. So drastic measures are required. I get internet back when it is writ. I fear though, that I would just find other ways of wasting time instead. Such as daydreaming in bed of the alternative lives I could have or cleaning the floors (because I must write, but can clean).

Reasons for living

Sometimes, when I’m very very unhappy and don’t know why I live, I think of the trees and feel responsibility. Who is going to love the trees when I die? No one in the entire world cares about those trees except me. And that seems important somehow, that trees are noticed and cared about.

Looking at people

These hot weathers are making me very sleepy between 2 PM and 6 PM, which is now, while writing this. If it wasn’t so hot, I’d go to sleep.

Since it is, I’ll write about beauty standards.

This is Luka Modric, footballer. I think he is handsome.

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This on the foreground is Fabio Cannavaro, also a footballer. I don’t think much about him.

andrea-pirlo-fabio-cannavaro-italy_jdr250nl5qty1k7bd8u9ebrmm

I’m fully aware that on any who-is-hotter internet vote between these two, Cannavaro would win hands down (if using photos where they are the same age certainly) and I’d be among the very small minority who prefers Modric.

This is my peculiarity number one. I don’t fully know why I sometimes have unconventional preferences but I’ve managed to connect it to the way I look at people. This is my peculiarity number two.  I tend to view people more as an artist than as …. anything else. This means I do the very confusing thing of sometimes having a crush on a person without actually ever having thought of them through the lens of sexual attractiveness. I simply find a person inspiring. Striking. Paintable, photographable, a challenge sometimes.  Not blandly conventional. Not wallpaper-like. During World Cup, I did have a crush on Modric, maybe still do or this post would not be happening, but one of my most infatuated declarations of the time was “The entire Croatian team is like wallpaper to me compared to Modric” And it wasn’t about his qualities as a footballer.

I’d declare the same if he wasn’t a famous person. Because yes, yes, I did that during school, when I had class mates and training group members – I frequently liked someone no one else seemed to. And sometimes was teased for it, like now I’m being teased for liking Modric and Shaun Evans, and people like that.

Of course I also liked people everyone else liked. I like Marlon Brando, Charlton Heston, James Dean, Morrissey, James Norton.

They are conventionally handsome but not blandly so. I would be inspired to paint them.

This post is getting all over the place. I wanted also to write about female beauty in connection to my peculiar way of looking at people. At school, I always seemed to single out some girl for her beauty or charm. So I was often gazing at her full of admiration, wishing I could be more like her too. Nowadays I do that on Instagram. I think for the past few years, M has been for me the epitome of perfect female beauty (if interested, I can share who this M is). Yes, of course it has got misinterpreted too. But no, not lesbian, just fond of beauty.

So while people fail to realise the purity of my admirations, I fail to get their harshness and it is often confusing to me why people judge other’s looks so harshly and with such narrow-mindedness too.

Cannavaro above. Not my type, but I see he is handsome. It doesn’t inspire me, but I see that objectively he was/is.

Average people though, they seem to have their taste and then everyone outside it is ugly. Ugliness is rare and I don’t think one sees ugly people too often. When one does, it is as transfixing as beauty.

 

God this post is bad.  Sorry Internet, for polluting you further with rubbish (I decided to cross out all bad bits). Maybe I get  back to it and write a coherent one later.

And that is why I’m putting it up here in all its draft-like state to taunt me and inspire me to get back to it and fix what I begun.