I travelled through the countryside for four hours in total and somehow it got rid of the excess of negative emotion I’ve been suffering under lately. Life has been overwhelmingly stressful but this is not what I want to write of.
A friend asked me some months ago what was the most important thing for me in life. I said liberty. In hindsight, I think it is impossible to pick one thing that towers above others, but I could narrow it down to three: love, liberty and health.
Why liberty? Because I can’t take being pigeon-holed and forced into roles and behaviour patterns. I was never good at accepting authority and it is stressful for me when I have to do it. I chose my job because it provided maximum liberty compared to a lot of other jobs. I couldn’t do regular hours. I had tried regular hours during high school, but I soon grew frustrated with having outsiders regulating MY daily schedule.I like doing as many things as possible when I feel like doing them. I do need some rules or I procrastinate to no end, but I cannot imagine a life where my work hours were fully determined by someone else. Unless I, being of sound mind and in possession of absolute freedom to do otherwise, would grant such permission. Suppose I got a raging stomach ache? Or I need to deal with some serious personal crisis? Like the roof leaking. I mean, yes, adults are supposed to ignore that and carry on, but I prefer to do things in my own time and pace. If I get them done, it shouldn’t matter if I work from 10.00-12.00, take six hours off to go for a picnic at the seaside, and continue at 20.00? That’s what my work hours are like these days.
Financial freedom has always been important to me as well. I very much dislike the idea of being dependant on having a job and facing ending up on the street if I should quit or be fired. This is worse than having a few loans hanging over your head, such defencelessness against external forces. I’m hoping to counter this by having some sort of buffer fund to last me at least 3-4 months and by one day living in a country cottage of my own which would guarantee some amount of food. It’s harder to starve in the country and living costs are lower.
Freedom is important to me in everything. It’s hard to provide a full list of areas, but one of these is freedom from social expectations. I don’t know if this is just my personality and life or whether it is some general human tendency, but my relationships with people always fall into specific patterns whilst cancelling out others. My parents know me as very reserved and disinclined to share personal stuff, albeit with bursts of excessive chattering on more general topics. My best friend knows me as an extrovert who needs to be restrained from sharing everything that pops in my head. There are people who would be a little surprised reading some of the stuff I’ve written here because they have no idea such sides to my personality exist. Inevitably, such habitual ways of being friends and family limit me a little. Not all of that is disagreeable. I never talk of my romantic relationships with my family, but I really don’t want to either. I don’t discuss poetry or reveal my childlike sides to people who are not likely to appreciate it. It’s a constant fine-tuning of personality, intuitively choosing what to reveal to the full and what to keep on the background. The full range of my personality is not known to anyone, but those who are more like myself will be trusted with most of it. Freedom to be fully oneself is probably only found in solitude, although some soulmate-like friends come close.