Tag Archive | claudicat

Continuing on truth

I’m struggling to find things to write about on the blog now that I’ve banned introspection and incompetent statements expressed with unfitting confidence.

I’d just end up producing lies or texts that embarrass me upon a second reading.

Introspection defines the self. The moment I do that and realise that I’m X rather than Y, I cancel out the Y. Even though the Y might also exist in me. A while back, I wrote about how I assumed I was an introvert for most of my life and my lifestyle adapted to this. Currently, it’s taking a lot of effort from me to adjust my life to my extroversion. Making new friends at my age is not the easiest thing etc.

I think all these introspective thoughtlings that I have – and continue to have because I am simply like that and cannot help it – they should stay amorphous like my dreams. I will think and analyse as before, but I shouldn’t drag them out into the open. Just as with dreams, when expressed outside the mind, they become one’s prison bars, limiting a person to a homogeneous identity, which mine is not.

Some time ago, I was rehearsing a difficult conversation in my head. I didn’t seem to get anywhere with figuring out the best way of saying what I wanted to say. In the middle of yet another clumsy monologue, I stopped: “Just tell the goddamn truth!”. But what is the truth? All the four or five monologues I had been having were true, but they emphasised completely different aspects and would create a completely different emotion and reaction in the recipient. That was my struggle. They were all true, but I couldn’t easily tell them all because they seemed inconsistent with each other. How can you invoke – or desire to invoke – anger and pity and hurt and disappointment and amiability at once? I would have to choose my preferred narrative, my preferred emotion and tell that. But that would be a lie because the others are as essential.

To my surprise, I do continue on this course of truth-seeking. The mood Jean-Christophe and perhaps a certain person I know (whose name begins with the letter J) have led me to, seems to be more lasting than I initially dared predict. In the end, I resolved the above situation by deciding to offer no explanation whatsoever and simply say the gist in one sentence. At least I wouldn’t be lying and avoiding that seemed topmost.

I hope in the future I can focus more on simply being and not trying to force the inconsistent manifestations of character into something like a personality. I think it is the right thing to do  – for me, at this point – and not for anyone else, because this is my journey, my shedding of skin I have grown too big for.

It seems old-fashioned to be valuing and striving for truthfulness at our time, but it feels fresh to me, like spring water.

The blog, though, maybe I’ll just start making outfit and recipe posts. This dress is perfect, for example. I don’t think I’ve ever ended up with a dress that fitted me so perfectly in almost every way (it could be a bit longer, that’s the only downside). I’m going to live in it come autumn.

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I look positively cross-eyed on this picture. So maybe mirror selfies are not going to be my new blog direction after all. I think I will do cat pictures instead.

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New in: cat edition

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This is the only half-decent photo she allowed me to take

Kibble: Orijen with chicken

Canned food: Applaws with tuna filet

Snack: GimCat Sticks with beef

Claudicat’s package arrived this morning! And she was very excited to explore its contents. I got excited too, seeing her so happy and curious. She has previously been eating pet store brand foods (Proplan, Hills, Royal Canin, Gourmet), but the ingredients lists did not please me.  They are the cat equivalents of junk food. Salmon pate containing 4% salmon just does not sound right, does it? She also seems to have developed an addiction to kibble. If I gave her all the kibble she wanted, she’d puff up like a balloon from overeating. So diagnosis: Claudicat is a junk food addict.

Now, everyone knows that junk food addicts don’t eat healthy food. Claudicat is also not a fan of home food and it’s a struggle to get her to eat real chicken or fish, but we manage somehow. She eats them, grumpily, but eats. So I was quite apprehensive whether she’d eat her new kibble by Orijen, which promises to contain higher quality ingredients and be grain free. I’ve bought her higher quality canned foods previously and these she sometimes completely refused to eat.

But! She ate it up like a good cat! I was very pleased. Her package also contained canned tuna by Applaws and a cat snack for a gift. Isn’t it lovely when stores add something extra to the package? Claudicat was very purry about the extra too.

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This is the usual type of photo she allows me to take